I Wish I Knew My Worth
I get the children to sleep, clean the house and prepare to settle. I want to relax on the couch with a book that I will enjoy, one that will teach me new things, and give me chizuk, the Hebrew term for strength. I am searching for validation, to be heard, to be seen, to be found. A title flashes through my mind. “I Wish You Knew Your Worth”. YES! I think excitedly. That is EXACTLY what I want to read right now. I pick up “You Can Heal Your Self” by Louise Hay and confusion flickers across my face - those are not the correct words of the book I want to read? I subconsciously picked up that book because it has in the past provided me with validation and soothed my mental wounds. But it is not enough any more. I want something that is tailored to me, something that will talk directly to me and fix my issues, heal my problems and tell me what I need to know. Who am I? What is my worth? Is it quantable? Containable? Average? Extraordinary? Is my worth worth a new item that I want that costs thousands of dollars? What is my worth? “I Wish You Knew Your Worth”. The voice rings over and over again. I wish I did too! I scream into the void of my mind. I want to know my worth also! Please, someone, anyone TELL me! I don’t know what it is! I am trying to find it! I am the character from Dr. Seuss’s “Oh The Places You’ll Go”, searching. I am going places, seeing things, but searching, still searching. I want to find my worth. Can it be found? Or must it be felt? Was it always here, and now that we are here, in the land of doubts, that it has left me? Where is my worth? Maybe I had it, but I just didn’t know it. Does that count? Did I know my worth then, when I acted as if I had it? Worth. Weight. Heaviness to actions. Weightiness. Importance. The ability “To Do”. If you do not do anything, is it still the same? If you become your best self, does it grow stronger? I wish to believe that it stays the same - that my worth is as important as yours, even if you have done greater things than I have. I hope that my worth will not change regarding the things or plans I do or do not do. I hope that my worth is here just because I am. I am here. I am showing up. I am in the arena. I am playing the game. I am not playing it for anyone else other than myself. I do not want to play the game for other people any more. I thought that was the game I liked to play, and maybe I actually did. But now the game is real. There is no time. The time is now. We must go on. We must find our worth.
What is my worth?
The fact that I have the question lies the problem. Asking “if” one has worth, or “what” the worth is, creates the problem. If I am here, I am worthy. If I woke up today, If my lungs are still functioning, I am worthy. There is a being greater than me that decided that I am worth it to be here. I may not believe it, I may not feel it, but I can lean into one that does. I want to get to the place where I DO feel it, that I DO believe it. Where I feel it oozing out of the very essence of my pores. “I AM WORTHY!”, my posture screams to the world. “I AM HERE!” I want to be seen, without putting myself out there. I want to be heard without getting lost in the din. I want to share without hurting a single soul. I want to share without hurting my own. I wish I knew my worth. I am going to find it. I will find my worth. I will know it, breathe it, see it, feel it, and show it. Anyone out there that wants to discover their worth, please join along with me. We will find it together. My hope is that through my journey in discovering mine, you will find yours.