Hod of Netzach
Today is 26 days, three weeks and 5 days of the omer. Today is Hod She’Be’ Netzach.
I don't feel good. I was in arrow mode and was accomplishing and giving and now I just feel sad and selfish. I want to be giving to my children and being with them. I feel so sad and frustrated that I was enjoying that class so much but now I feel sad I am not continuing to give to the ones I love the most, my children. I miss them and want to give to them so I can feel good giving to them and loving them. I feel sad.
Wow. I am still really feeling the dichotomy. This is the first time I’m having this much trouble writing up a post on the day! And of course it comes right after the day where I broadcast my website and discuss my journey and how I’ve done this for 25 days blah blah blah. Because today I am not feeling inspired. Today I am feeling the dichotomy. Hod and netzach. Submission and pushing through. Male and Female. Female and male. The yin and Yang, balance between the two dangles precariously from one to the other. Tick, tock, tick tock… who am I where am I? Why do I feel this struggle? Why can’t I be in either mode? Why can’t I be content and complacent? Is this growth? The uncomfortable zone of being somewhere new, unfamiliar and uncomfortable?!? I am comfortable with my growth. I guess if I am uncomfortable it’s deeper growth?
Each time I keep coming back to it, to try and write about hod of netzach, my feelings over ride me. I know that my strong feelings are due to the exact nature of the day, and the circumstances of my day today are the result of the spiritual nature and energy of today, as each day always is, (maybe today I am just more tuned in:)) Or it could be because I am naturally a woman, which is a hod state, and yet we are coming off of such high testosterone charged day of netzach she be netzach from yesterday, from accomplishment and achieving, that to transition back to hod is so difficult and confusing.
Yet we're back again. And we did it. We lived in the beautiful hod/netzach world, the world of being in the moment, in the zone, and the netzach mode of accomplishing and enduring. The synergy between accomplishing in the moment. As I type, I am accomplishing and I am completely in the moment. Ah. Beautiful. I can tell we are getting closer to Matan Torah as the days are getting more and more beautiful and more and more challenging. Hod of Netzach is syncing the masculine and feminine esoteric concepts of the world down to our level on a daily basis. Introducing hod into our netzach is introducing listening, being open, humble to accept, grateful to accept, receiving - and THIS FUELS our netzach! Our power of endurance and continuity! Can you believe it? It is crazy even to me! Wow. Please Hashem, allow me to have an easier time with synergizing Hod into my netzach so I can slip in and out of the zone, allow my endurance and continuity to have humility, openness, listening, understanding and gratitude, all in order to be by absolute best self and do the absolute right thing, AMAIN!