Gevurah of Netzach

Today is 23 days, three weeks and two days of the omer. today is gevurah she be netzach, incorporating the power of strength and discipline, or channeled love within endurance and consistency. This is the hardest of the hard. As I have mentioned the past two times, the middos of netzach, consistency and gevurah, self discipline and strengths are the two elements I feel I am lacking the most in my life. and it must be because there is an imbalance of chesed - because chesed is the beginning. if you properly have chesed, you need to have EVEN MORE CHESED to reach a place of gevurah- to channel and mold the love because it’s HARDER to do that than to just love freely and openly. Gevurah is harder than ahava and chesed for me. I wonder how it possibly could be the opposite for other people but I know it is true…. I so desperately want to be able to love myself enough that I can do the right thing even if I don't want to or it is hard. That is what gevurah means to me. and that is something I want to do. Being the adult of your own life is so hard. it takes so much gevurah! and it never ends for the rest of your life - it’s netzach. it will endure. and so my strength needs to endure. My prayer for this coming day is that I have the strength to endure and be consistent, and my consistency is used in ways that are good for me, in gevurah ways, ways to build me not break me. please hashem let the consistent things in my life be GOOD, and let me use the power of consistency to build good habits and traits, carve healthy and happy mental thought paths in my mind and life, and most of all, please let my endurance be strong, and not waver! Let me not fail, give up and give in, despair and feel sad. let me feel the gevurah of the netzach of my life, from this day into the rest of my life, amain!